


Obi-wan and Truth Serum

by BloodyDevil



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, And he talks about being attracted to the clones, But there aren't any real relationships, Crack, Gen, I intended it to be crack, Obi-wan talks a lot about having slept with a lot of people, Potential OOCness, Truth Serum, but warning, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22651921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyDevil/pseuds/BloodyDevil
Summary: Captured by Separatists, Obi-wan is doused with truth serum so they can obtain battle plans.Obi-wan derails this plan in the way only he can.By talking about his tumultuous padawanship and sex.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 565
Collections: Favorite Rereads





	Obi-wan and Truth Serum

Getting captured by separatists wasn’t what Obi-wan had planned for the day. Honestly, Cody was going to give him hell when he gets back. The commander had told him not to go off alone, he was still injured and he hadn’t actually slept or eaten in a couple of days- they had become incredibly busy- but the young girl had said her family needed help, and all the troopers were busy. 

Honestly, what harm could a young girl do?

Apparently lead him into a trap.

And so, here Obi-wan was, sitting on the floor, hands cuffed behind his back with force inhibitors, surrounded by sentient separatist generals. And Ventress.

“I don’t suppose I could impose you for some tea?” Obi-wan asks, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room. It was peculiar, no one was trying to interrogate him, from what he could tell he hadn’t been injured, so what was the point of this.

“Apologies, Master Kenobi, but you will not be getting any tea today.” Count Dooku says, walking forward, there was a syringe in his hand.

“What a shame, could use a good cup right about now. What’s in the syringe?” 

“A powerful concoction that will make you tell the truth and only the truth. And then you will forget all asked and said.” The count explains as he injects Obi-wan with it. Great.

They’re going to interrogate him with truth serum. Shit.

“How old were you when you first left the order?” What? What does that have- oh control question. Well he was thirteen on Melida/Daan.

“Twelve.” What. No. He didn’t- oh. He was _kicked_ from the order when he was twelve. He had forgotten that. But, “I pretty quickly was enslaved by Qui Gon’s former padawan and almost died.” Why only give them the information they want? Quinlan had said the cavalier way he talks about the shitty parts of his padawanship could make anyone cry. Even a Cerali, and they don’t even have functional tear ducts. 

“What?” One of the generals asks, Dooku was just looking at him with wide eyes.

“Qui Gon’s padawan before me, Xanatos, he fell to the dark side, he didn’t go sith but he was a darksider. I was sent to Bandomeer to help with the Agricorps, except Xanatos was running a mining operation with slaves there. I started investigating the mining operation because something didn’t feel right, and I ended up with a bomb collar around my neck and being forced to work on the mining platform, where if I fell off, the collar would explode. I ended up pissing off some foremen, I think they were foremen, this was so long ago my memory is a bit hazy, and they threw me off. Thankfully Master Qui Gon was around and he deactivated the collar before it blow.”

“How lucky,” Ventress remarks, “Now, what are the battle-”

“It was very lucky,” Better not let her finish the question, he didn’t know if the concoction would incline him to answer or not, “What was not lucky was a short time later myself and Qui Gon got stuck in a mining cave with no way out unless we could blow a hole in it. And I happen to have a bomb around my neck. So, I volunteered a plan in which Qui Gon would stand back, I would stand by the wall closest to the outside and attempt to take off the collar, which would trigger it to explode. Ultimately, Master Qui Gon figured out an alternative that did not involve me dying. After that, he took me on as his Padawan.” Count Dooku face was in one of his hands, as if questioning his Padawan, “Although I would only be his padawan for a few months I think before I would leave the order again to fight in a war.”

“You left the order to fight a war? Why would you leave the order for that? Are you not fighting a war now?”

“Well, initially a Jedi master had been sent to the planet, Melida/Daan, to try and negotiate an end to the war but the Jedi ended up imprisoned and tortured by one of the factions so myself and Master Qui Gon were sent to retrieve the Jedi Master and take her back to the temple, and no more help was to be given. But, on Melida/Daan, there was no middle generation. You children, and you had their grandparents, but their parents had been killed in the war, and so the young of both factions, the Melida and the Daan, came together to fight against the grandparents to try and stop this war from continuing. I wanted to help them, it felt like what a Jedi should do, but Master Qui Gon was only concerned with getting the Jedi Master off the planet, so, I handed over my saber and left the order.”

“Well you clearly returned,” Ventress remarks dryly.

“Yup. After a while on the planet, the young made headway, and then one of the leaders and my friend was killed, and the other leader became a bit of a dictator and I didn’t know what to do, I was thirteen, so I called Qui Gon and asked for help. He came, he helped, and then he took me back to the order. I was put on probation as I had left the order, but while I was on Probation, Xanatos attacked the temple with the intention of killing Master Yoda. Master Qui Gon and I managed to foil his plans, but he had gotten an initiate I had known growing up involved. I was forced to fight him while Qui Gon dealt with Xanatos. Ultimately, Xanatos got away.”

“What happened to the initiate?”

“He died. We were dueling, with lightsabers, and he fell off a ledge. Broke his neck. Master Jinn always told me I was not to blame for his death, I never really believed him. Bruck was misguided, he might’ve been trying to kill me and my friends but he shouldn’t of died. Wanna hear how I learnt I don’t need to eat or sleep for five days before I become at risk of collapsing?” It was rhetorically, he was going to explain anyway, “I was sixteen, myself and Qui Gon were protecting some politician and his children, we were on the run from his opponents who were sending bounty hunters after him and his family. They had already killed his wife. Qui Gon didn’t notice, to my knowledge anyways, but I was giving most of my rations to the children, they needed it more than me. I took more lookout shifts because if I did fall asleep during the day, Qui Gon or the politician could carry me, I wasn’t heavy. And even when I was supposed to sleep, I couldn’t really, so I meditated instead. Eventually, Master Qui Gon and I got separated. He ended up with most of the children with him, I had the politician and his youngest daughter. I didn’t eat or sleep for seven days, got by on water and meditation and using the force. Eventually, we met back up, and I collapsed within the first ten seconds of us being back together. Master Qui Gon used to say that stunted my growth. Not sure how much I believe him.” Obi-wan absently notices a few general walking out of the room, shaking their heads, or just shaking in general.

“While that’s all very interesting-” Obi-wan cuts Ventress off before she can finish.

“Is it? I always thought it was quite normal. Well, Quin says it’s not but it’s not like _he_ had a normal padawanship. Although we both did get yelled at for that Orgy.”

“Wha-”

“But that was nothing compared to the scolding I got for starting a revolution on Akano. Force, the council was _pissed_. Qui Gon was proud, that political system was utter trash, but the council and Senate were incredibly angry. Honestly, they were more angry at that than slavery. Politicians and their priorities.” Obi-wan rolls his eyes, “Did you know I was enslaved five times before I became a knight? There was that time on Bandomeer, and then…” Obi-wan kept talking, not really letting anyone else get a word in, talking about all the bad parts of his padawanship. He sees at least three generals run out looking sick, probably shouldn’t have mentioned Ali’qa, the council didn’t even like hearing about that one. Most don’t, bad time all around. On the flip side Qui Gon didn’t let him out of his sight for a least a month and took to holding Obi-wan whenever he could. Obi-wan could never decide if that was a good or bad thing. 

While he was talking about one of the times a scientist had kidnapped him to experiment on him, Obi-wan heard Dooku state dryly, “Come retrieve your General.” Looking over, the Count was talking to a holo of the entire Jedi council.

“Excuse me?” And Anakin apparently because despite being tiny and through a holo, that was definitely Anakin’s voice.

“He has made my generals upset and he is continuing to do so. Retrieve him.” Obi-wan glanced around and saw that aside from Ventress, there were only two people remaining. The count and a sentient General looking somewhat traumatized. 

“Wait, where’s Grievous? Should he not of been here?”

“He had to deal with a conflict, don’t worry, I’m recording this for him.” Ventress says, then prompts, “You saying the Doctor tried to drown you?” With that, the final general ran off. Poor man. 

“Yes, in this weird goo. I haven’t a clue what is was, but it was purple and burned terribly in the oddest way. And had the most peculiar effect. It was almost like an aphrodisiac, which was not a good thing to give to teenage me. Terrible idea, I was already sleeping through most of the order my age anyways-”

“Master!” Obi-wan heard Anakin’s scandalized squeak, but ignored it. It’s just sex.

“And I had actually started going through the senate, I have to say, Gri’tu’s know how to orgy. Absolutely mindblowing.”

“Really?”

“Yes, the way they-”

“Please change the subject.” The count cuts in.

Ventress pouts but prompts, “Who would sleep with now?”

“Presently- now are we talking realistically who would I attempt to seduce or who I’m just curious about sex with?”

Ventress pauses for a second before saying, “Second one.”

Obi-wan’s response was immediate, “Grievous.”

“What?!” Multiple voices exclaim from the holo in Dooku’s hand. The man himself just seemed so tired and done.

“Why?” Ventress asks, amused.

“Well, how would sex work with him? He’s a cyborg, but what bits did he keep, what can he get? Would he be a nice lover or a brutal one or something in between? I’m curious honestly.”

“Fair enough, now who do you want to seduce.”

“Hmm, well,”

“Send us the coordinates, we’ll retrieve General Kenobi,” Master Windu’s voice comes over the holo.

“Master Windu,” Obi-wan hears the holo shut off right after he says that and is intricately aware that that’s going to have repercussions. Oh well, “Master Plo Koon, really I wouldn’t have to seduce anyone else. I’ve already slept with most of the people I want to sleep with, and I would hardly have to seduce them to sleep with them again.”

“Who would sleep with again?”

“Kit Fisto, first time was phenomenal, Master Koth, Bail, Quinlan, and if you want me to go through the entire list we are going to be here for a while.”

“Hm, Skywalker?”

“No, aside from him being married I practically raised the boy. No. And no offence, you’re wonderful but I have no desire to have a carnal relationship with you.”

“The feelings mutual. Skywalker’s married?”

Obi-wan nodded, “Mhm. He thinks it’s a secret. No idea why. But he hasn’t told any Jedi. Wanna hear about all the times the council has nearly given him a heart attack by implying they know without outright saying anything?” Ventress’s cackle was the only agreement necessary before Obi-wan launched into all the times his former Padawan stuttered and panicked his way through a meeting trying to throw off suspicion he was married when everyone already knew.

Honestly, Obi-wan wished he had recorded half of those. The memory alone is hilarious. While Ventress keeps propping him with questions, none are about any tactical information, most are just about sex and peculiar going ons of the Jedi Order. Such as the time Kit Fisto hid in one of the pools in the Room of a Thousand Fountains for three months without anyone noticing. Because he lost his clothes and didn’t want to get caught walking around naked. Obi-wan continued regarding Ventress of random Jedi anecdotes as she transports him to the agreed coordinates for retrieval.

“Before Anakin arrives, might I ask you something?”

“You’re the one on truth serum Kenobi.” Ventress needlessly reminds.

“Bah. You don’t have to answer truthfully.” Obi-wan shrugs, “I’m just curious.”

Ventress side-eyes him but ultimately, “What’s your question?”

“Why join forces with Dooku? I mean, it’s not like he cares about you, you’re a pawn. So why be an acolyte?”

Ventress remained silent for a long time, long enough that Obi-wan had figured she didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t care to. He was thinking up some entertaining story to tell her when she broke the silence. “I was trained to be a Jedi by Ky Narec,” the name sounded familiar, ut Obi-wan couldn’t immediately place it, “he was killed by pirates, at his death I became enraged and embraced the dark side. Dooku found me not too long after and started guiding me in it.”

Well, that was interesting. No revenge. No bloodthirst. She was in this to learn. And most likely gain some stability after losing her Jedi Master. Obi-wan knows from first hand experience that that was a terrible thing to go through. Although, thinking of his master, “Did Narec have brown hair? And a terrible soul patch?” Obi-wan asks, he remembers his Master talking about a Knight Narec. Obi-wan couldn’t remember ever meeting the man but he remembered Qui Gon talking about him once or twice. He remembered Narec’s funeral more. ‘Course that was a little over a decade ago. Locals on a planet that the Senate had hoped the Jedi could bring into the Republic reported him dead and had already given him the burial rites of their people. Why would they lie?

“You knew him?”

“ _Of_ him. He knew my master. He aided the exploration corps sometimes, if I recall correctly, he was on a mission for them and the Senate to bring some Planet into Republic folds. But the natives reacted harshly to him being there and killed him shortly after he landed. At least, that’s what I recall, I’m afraid that as I was not a close friend I did not attend his funeral. But I can recall it was a somber day in the temple. And shockingly the council decided that no Jedi was to be sent alone to an unknown planet, no matter what the Senate wants.”

“Funeral?”

“Yes. It’s tradition. While we would’ve liked to of had his body there, no one wanted to risk the locals ire of stepping foot on the planet. While we were more than we are now, we weren’t many. We did not wish to risk lives if it could be avoided. A Jedi’s funeral involves cremation. A _proper_ one does. Now, nowadays we don’t really have time. God, the last proper funeral would’ve been Narec. Little over ten years ago.” Obi-wan muttered the last couple of sentences to himself mostly, but Ventress clearly heard him.

“He wasn’t dead.”

“I’m sorry?” Obi-wan didn’t think he had misheard but he would like more information.

“He died a few years before the war started. The Jedi abandoned him on Rattatak for nearly a decade before he was murdered.” Ventress hisses out.

“Ah. I would apologize but I do believe that would just anger you.” Obi-wan shrugs, “It should not of happened, but Jedi are not perfect and we are fallible. We would never intentionally abandon one of our own, or send them to their deaths; but we can get bad information, faulty sources.” Obi-wan shrugged again, “All we can do is acknowledge our mistakes, and work to be better in the future.” Honestly this was getting quite maudlin, Obi-wan didn’t really care for that at all. “Now, unless you want to keep talking about this, want to hear about the Bothan Orgy my Master traumatized me with when I was 16 and regrettably asked him what he knew about Bothan anatomy?”

“...Was he a part of the orgy?”

Obi-wan grinned and launched into his tale, of the quite honestly traumtizing story his master had told him. The fact that he could quote it word for word after nearly two decades was disturbing. Not nearly as disturbing as it had been when Qui Gon had told him the story. But still.

Obi-wan was so caught up in the story he didn’t notice Anakin’s ship approaching.

Ventress did.

“So the Bothan-”

“Skywalker’s here.” Ventress cuts in. Obi-wan looks up and sees the ship.The agreement had been Ventress would hand over Obi-wan and they would let Ventress go. No fight. 

“Oh good. I could use a cup of tea. And seeing the troopers is always a pleasure.”

“I’m not going to ask.” Ventress says, despite sounding like she very much wanted to. Obi-wan had deliberately not talked about the clones. The things he might of said- should never be said by their commanding officer. 

Maybe after the war.

If the war ever ended. 

Ventress answered when Anakin hailed them.

“I’m here, I brought two troopers and left everyone else of the Cruiser which is a couple of systems away, can we board and retrieve Obi-wan?” Anakin asks, sounding like he was barely restraining his rage. Which was quite typical of the boy.

“We can connect. I’ll send Kenobi over once the connection is secure.” Ventress says and the ships dock together. After checking to make sure the connection was secure Ventress waved him away.

“It’s been a pleasure talking to you darling,” Obi-wan says before heading to the docking station and making his way over to Anakin’s ship. 

Obi-wan accepted the tight hug Anakin gave him with a small smile. He regretabbly couldn’t return it as his hands were still bound behind his back. Anakin didn’t seem to mind. Over Anakin’s shoulder, Obi-wan could see the troopers starting a hyperspace jump away.

“Anakin, as much as I’m enjoying this hug, I’d imagine I could enjoy it more if I had my hands free?” Obi-wan suggests, he feels Anakin tense before relaxing and letting him go, circuling him and then breaking the bonds with his lightsaber. Obi-wan sighed and pulled off the cuff. “So nice.” Obi-wan mutters, rubbing his wrists before pulling Anakin back into a hug, “I’m so proud of you my idiot Padawan.”

“Uh, are you okay?” Anakin asks as he returns the hug.

“No. I’m filled with truth serum, I am completely incapable of lying. I managed to distract the Separatists with either sexual tales or tales from my childhood so they couldn’t ask about any important information. And I will need you to tell the council that Anakin, I didn’t tell them any important information, just, a lot of things about my padawanship and sexual conquests. Once this stuff is out of my system I will forget everything I’ve said. So, taking this opportunity, you’re a karking idiot my former Padawan.”

“You taking this opportunity to call me an idiot?” Anakin was clearly confused, but he also didn’t pull from Obi-wan’s hug so, Obi-wan counted it as a win.

“Yes. Because if you wish to hide your marriage for whatever reason, you should _not_ kiss and flirt with your wife in front of Jedi Masters. Just a little advice.” Obi-wan could feel Anakin tense under him but he was honestly just basking in the hug. Obi-wan never really felt comfortable hugging people, demanding them to forgo any personal boundaries or comforts for him, it never sat right. He always regretted it no matter how good it made him feel, felt he had bothered them. But, he wasn’t going to remember this. So kark it all.

“You know.”

“Everyone knows. Neither of you are subtle. Honestly at least half the council has been trying to get you to slip up and admit you’re married by implying they know but acting confused when you start to trip over yourself to deny something they didn’t implicitly imply.”

“...You’re all evil.”

Obi-wan chuckles, and slowly pulls from the hug, and walks over to the troopers sitting in the pilot an copilot seat. Smiling as he recognizes them, “Were both of you really required to retrieve me? It’s not as though this was a rescue mission.” Obi-wan asks, looking between Rex and Cody. 

Cody answers first, “I was worried about you General. Also quite positive I told you _not_ to wander off.”

Obi-wan could feel both Rex’s and Anakins amusement at him getting scolded. Rex accidentally projecting, Anakin projecting intentionally no doubt. He’d really rather not say anything about how he actually likes when Cody reprimands him. It reminds him someone cares. That he will be missed if he disappears. So instead he turns to Anakin with a raised eyebrow, “I do believe I taught you _not_ to project your emotions.”

“And you’re avoiding the question General.”

“There was no question. If there was I would be unable to not answer it.” Obi-wan admits with a shrug.

“Wait seriously?”

“If what Dooku said is to be believed.”

“Who do you like better-” whatever Ahsoka was about to ask was cut off by Obi-wan yelping and falling onto Cody, who caught him and kept him from hitting the floor. Everyone looked at the Togruta who had _popped out of nowhere_.

Anakin broke the silence first with a sigh, and, “Snips, I told you to stay behind.”

“And I decided that that was stupid. What if this went pear shaped and you needed backup?”

“It didn’t. You need to learn to listen to orders.” Pot calling the Kettle black in Obi-wan’s opinion.

“Like you did?” Obi-wan snarks, raising an eyebrow at his former padawan. 

Anakin deflects, poorly, “Why are you still in Cody’s lap?”

“It’s comfortable,” Obi-wan answers before he could stop himself. Not that he could of. 

Ahsoka, apparently reminded of her question that sprung her out of hiding, asks, “Who do you like better, Cody or Rex?”

“Ahsoka,” Anakin scolds, but Obi-wan had already started answering.

“Cody. No offence Rex, you’re wonderful, well, all the troopers are. But Cody is my commander, he’s incredibly kind, caring and snarky. And always seems to know when I need to eat, sleep or go to Helix and please stop asking me questions before I say something regrettable.”

“Like what?” Anakin slaps his hand over his mouth the millisecond the last word left his lips. Regret permeating the force.

Rather than what Obi-wan had actually meant, which would be him admitting he finds the clones attractive and if it wasn’t for the war and power imbalance he would’ve tried to bed at least a dozen of them. However, Obi-wan still had enough control to blurt out, “I want to have sex with Grievous.” rather than any of that. 

Surprisingly, he knows which fallout he’d rather deal with and it’s the Grievous one.

“What?” Cody and Rex exclaim, Anakin had facepalmed and Ahsoka’s face was twisted up in disgust.

“How?” She asks.

Which is a fair question. “That’s actually something I would intend to learn in the moment.”

“You already said that. What are you actually worried about saying?” Anakin had a face of regret when he realized he asked another question, but resignation leaked into the force. He couldn’t undo what he had done.

“That if it were for this forsaken war and the fact that I’m a High General I would have bed at least a dozen clones as I find them all very attractive, not just physically, but the ones I know are incredible individuals and I am going to go meditate.” Obi-wan states, getting off of Cody and heading to the back of the ship, stopping momentarily to say, “Oh, and the next one of you to ask me a question has to write an essay on _Why its impolite to force someone to admit things they don’t want to talk about_.” With that, Obi-wan went to the cargo bay and started meditating. 

He’s unsure how long he’s meditated for before it’s interrupted by someone entering the Cargo bay. Obi-wan doesn’t look up, remaining in his meditative position. Anakin or Ahsoka would be able to tell he wasn’t meditating, but hopefully neither Rex nor Cody would and he wouldn’t have to deal with the troopers quite yet. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say to them. Any of them.

Obi-wan reaches out with the force, allowing himself to sense who had entered the cargo bay.

It wasn’t Anakin or Ahsoka.

“We’re about to arrive at the Negotiator and the Resolute, sir.” Cody states.

Wonderful. Obi-wan can go hide in his quarters then.

“Uh, the Negotiator has been informed not to ask you direct questions. However, Helix would like to see you when we land.” Cody tacks on, nervous in the only way troopers exhibited in front of superior officers. Or in front of Obi-wan at least. Slightly stilted speech, didn’t run as smoothly as normal, and anxiety leaking out into the force.

Although that might not of been the only thing odd about Cody’s speech. He seemed to be deliberately not asking questions, carefully wording everything. Or perhaps he had done that before and Obi-wan simply hadn’t taken notice. Still, it was nice that Cody wasn’t going to ask him questions.

Except Obi-wan could feel that he wanted to ask some.

And the trooper had a right to know.

Well, legally speaking the clones had no rights. But that wasn’t relevant. The Jedi are incapable of doing anything about that.

Obi-wan sighed, looking up at Cody and gesturing for the other to sit down opposite from Obi-wan. “You can ask one question. Then the only people allowed to ask questions without repercussions are the medics. And even then preferably only Helix.”

Cody didn’t even hesitate, “Are you okay, General?”

“Not really. There are certain things I don’t like talking about. Even without what occured on this ship, I explained and relieved quite a few traumatizing memories to separatist generals in order to avoid telling them about battle plans. But then talking about sexcapades was easy, it’s just sex.”

“And then General Skywalker asked that question.” It wasn’t a question. But Obi-wan nods.

“Yes. I am incredibly sorry for that, that was quite inappropriate. I’d appreciate it if you did not share this with the rest of the Battalion. Of course you’re welcome to request a transfer if that’d be more comfortable with you, I’ll make it as smooth as possible for you.”

“I’m quite happy to continue to serve under you sir. If you think it’s best we not share your opinion on troopers with the rest of the GAR then we won’t. I’ll inform Rex and General Skywalker of your decision. “ With that, Cody got up and walked away, an errant thought making it’s way out into the force.

_’Shame I can’t collect on that pool.’_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm vry tired and vry sory
> 
> Yell at me on [ Tumblr](https://ahumanname.tumblr.com/)


End file.
